Day 61: “Ignore This Post”
In the beginning of my writing, two months ago, I promised myself that I would write for myself, about anything that came into my mind. Now I’ve slowly realized that as I write more and more, I’m able to focus on a particular subject and write with clarity and voice. However, as I write more and more, and as I travel, my audience has slowly grown. Although I do wish to share my experiences with people and I’ve been happy sharing my blog to friends, I can definitely feel their effect on me when I’m sitting in front of my computer, staring at an empty draft, trying to decide what to write about. I know that, because of the people who are reading my blog, I have chosen not to write about certain topics or events in my life. This is not what I started writing for, and I need to recenter myself with my writing and what I truly want to say.
So now, with no filter, Day 61.
It’s a funny thing how much weather can affect my mood.
To give a good picture, the entire city of Guilin today has been immersed in a grey fog since before I was awake — not a blanket per say, more like smoke-filled dome, but the smoke is suffocatingly still and thick. The rain has persisted in a drop here and a drop there, not really raining, but enough to be a reminder that today’s mood is going to teeter along an edge.
Waking up in the morning, I had no motivation to get up. There wasn’t anything that I needed to do. I had plans to visit the popular Reed Flute Caves, but a quick look out the window led me to fall back onto my bed and roll my blanket over me. I got up eventually.
But today is just a low day, and I know it. I left a city that I didn’t want to stay in, and took a train into another city that I have little motivation to explore. I can tell that I’m getting tired — tired of moving around, tired of living out of a backpack, tired of being alone, tired of having to look for a direction, tired of having to create my own motivation.
Some days you just want to skip a day, or put yourself on auto-pilot so that you don’t have to care about what happens in the next 24 hours. There are days when you don’t want to be strong, you just want to sink into your couch and let the day pass you by.
As I’m writing, I feel a tightness in my chest and my eyes start to fill with tears, but the feeling fades away after a couple seconds. I’ll pause in my writing, look up at the incredibly low skyline, at the grey wall in front of me, and can feel the constriction rise up in my chest again. Who can really know why this happens? Even I don’t.
Or maybe today is the kind of the day where I just need something to happen. Maybe I need a firework to rise up over the skyline right now and give one frightening pop. Maybe I need to burst into tears and punch a wall. Maybe I need to see a familiar face. Maybe I need, in the immortal words of that kid in The Incredibles, “I don’t know, something amazing, I guess.” Something to break through this dome of grey haze tonight and let a little bit of the moonlight through.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll move past today, I always do. I don’t need phone calls asking how I’m doing, I don’t need to talk to someone about this, I don’t need help. Today is a low day. There are days like this in life.
This is, by far, the most selfish post I’ve ever written. I’d like to think that it’s ok to be selfish sometimes — especially on days like this.
On days like this, you should selfishly feel the emotions that you normally suppress when there are people around you. Feel those emotions completely. Selfishly give yourself that day. Tomorrow is another day, and I’ll be ready to experience it when I wake up in the morning.
If I Seem To Wander 